We all tend to the least possible energy. That’s why we shout, fight and eternally try to die. My mind is the only one afraid of that. He knows this much energy slipping away clearly implies his death.

Oh, is that why he keeps me reminding of the near to dying tomorrow? A classic example for the common belief of people, accelerating themselves to the cause of something, just because you think that that was the only cause. For your demise, that is.

I read the above lines around an hour ago after I wrote them. I waited for a while for these words to talk to me back again explaining them. No one ever came. So I published all this here, so that some time in the future they may want to come to me and speak up.

Amen.
Satanicenthu!

People now have limited vocabulary. This constrain has instead lead to an even more humorous situation where people not just are able to understand each other, but as a matter of fact they just don’t feel like expressing themselves.

Strange, and true till the purity of layer of dew on green grasses, I admit today of the absent-mindedness of our over intelligent race. Not to be generic, I must now get back to not so exceptional case of me. I have been thinking lately about the overrated functions of a beginning and an end. And while debating with myself, I was not able to find out the answer to this: Does a new beginning always demand an end to something?

I never quite believed my eyes till I saw one. Miracle is what I consider that. Nightmare is what people call it. The butterfly flying.

Some people say pain is the life’s only way to make you feel small. Rest is what God considers trash. You and me.

Amen!
SatanicEnthu!

Now it’s no more than a chaos room. Things exist without knowledge, affecting the daily activities brutally. Life has become blurred and opaque. I should have seen it coming.

I should have cared for it more, just like our priced books that we keep even after reading. I should have nurtured it the way farmer loves his crop. I should have closed the openings to my mind just like plumber fixes the water system. I should have repaired the broken parts timely. And I should have seen all this coming all the way.

I allowed it to wander, I allowed it to fly. I allowed it to follow the butterfly and I allowed it to cry. Now here are the results. How could have I ignored it? I should have seen it coming.

-
Amen.
SataniEnthu!

People think that this ain’t real. This haphazard and arbitrary state of mind is unreal. They say that I can’t see the butterfly. I can’t tell the colors of her ever changing wings. Wings flutter for a change.

Brownian motion was an interesting principle. The point that people did not get from it, is the principle’s existence for human thoughts. They wander random, they come up arbitrarily and they never repeat the pattern.

Random is by far the purest form one can achieve. No, it does not mean someone lack the capability to organize them and deliver them in a desired manner responsible for a profound conclusion. It means that…you should actually get that.

I sip my tea and I watch the sun set. I gear up my inlines and go for a small fly. I stop anywhere and see actions of children. So random, so pure these children are. I make paper planes for them. Boats they know how to build.

I dream throughout the day. Most of the nights I can’t sleep. So I hear to random night’s silence. This makes me feel, the world currently lacks haphazardness. So I assume I play a pivotal role in bringing the world to more random state.

Someday I will walk away, assuming that this world ain’t no more a place to be. It somewhat disappoint me. No, not this world, but me. Me, seeking the answer to my randomness.

“Hey you! My boy. Come walk with me. Come close to me and I will tell you how to fly. After all, that’s what you are looking forward to, eventually. Isn’t it? “ , I said, laughing all the way.s

Amen.
Satanicenthu!

I left myself exposed from the left. From the side my heart belonged to. Creative side of the brain was still intact. I went for it. The kill.

Never close your eyes, I remembered someone saying to me. Not to close your eyes at the time. See the oozing streams of blood. The dark, red, viscous and filthy smelling liquid. life.

Hear the screams. The sounds which signify pain. The lifeless corpse’s crashing sound to ground. The sound of blood flowing.

Feel your heartbeat banging against your chest. The tremor that pass through your body when the sword cuts the flesh. Taste the blood drop on the sword. Sweat coming off the eyebrows.

What was devilicious was not the brutal kill. But the smile. The smile that followed the kill. An out of the world, eternally satisfied soul’s laugh.

The time was here. I already rehearsed the act uncountable number of times in my mind. Unexpectedly a tear came out of my eyes on its journey with a meaning. It had a great fall. On my wrist it landed. I looked at it, and then at the sword. A little shining piece of metal. Messenger of death. Merciless weapon for the final blow.

A final note to myself, “ I am here for the kill”. and I went out for the kill. With my eyes closed. And with my left side exposed.

I heard the sounds, I saw the blood and I closed my eyes. This was enough, I thought.

Amen.
Satanicenthu !

On my way to home, I often stop at the small tea stall by the road. I face the sun, the golden orange colored sun partially hidden behind the clouds. All it takes is a blink sometimes. I am not alone most of the times, as a number of other people try the same.

A voice called me from behind, “how much does a cup of tea cost?” Uninterested I answered, “eight Rupees”. I turned a couple of minute later to see who it was actually. An old man in his late sixties most probably with his granddaughter was watching the sun just like me. The only difference was the perspective with which we both faced the sun.

His eyes spoke of the life he had been through, the world that no more exist and about the beliefs and promises he stood for. It didn’t take me a lifetime to feel this; just a moment of exposure to his radiating energy was enough.

World has its strange ways to delude you he said. The life that was, the life that was supposed to be, they all turned out to be different, very different. Even then there were no tears or regrets. It looked to me that he wanted his granddaughter to preserve his point of view. He didn’t want her to carry on his teachings or lessons, only his point of view.

The question which I put in the beginning just changed. Do we really need even something like words to feel someone’s thoughts? I think not.

And I sipped my tea; the sun was not visible and smile was all mine.

Amen.

Satanicenthu!

I believe this world will end today. No one will be alive tomorrow. Everyone will die. No you, not at all me and no one for that matter, will be there for tomorrow to come.

But just when the above thought flashes in my mind, a number of things had made their presence felt there. What to?

I suddenly started looking for deeds I have to remind myself before dying. The diary, the paint brush, the post-it notes, the messages in bottle, the photographs and my memories were all over the room flying randomly. I could just not believe my eyes. This all was happening. I was panicking too early I thought. I got hold of a paint brush flying pass by. And ran toward a wall, seek some shelter.

Turning towards the wall with head in between the knees and hands over my eyes. What to do was the only question.

I took my notebook and started scribbling something. Imagine there is no heaven. There is no gravity left. My tears get detached from the eyeball and are now exactly in front of my eyes. It seems they are at a high energy state confused which side to disappear to.

Uneasiness surrounds me; I just kept my eyes closed. The walls started falling apart. Everything that I wrote, painted, scribbled or tried to encrypt on those walls thinking that this would not fade with time was all a myth. My analogies, my thoughts, my letters all were flying. May be this was what at last I wanted for them. To fly!

I can see my world, when I close my eyes. I see only what I want to, thus my world. Am I too late to understand that? Just like a caterpillar thinks before converting into a butterfly, what is this change going to do? More beauty, more freedom or just for the butterfly effect?

I believe in something doesn’t mean that I want it to be. I just want to believe in them.

Amen.

Satanicenthu!

Do things always appear in pairs? I am forced to think yes. Before light comes the darkness, silence is always broken by voices. And every other thing has its alter ego. Agreed.

I think an entity exist with it’s complementary to actually recognize the importance of each one. Like consider for yourself, is light any significant when there exist no darkness?

But do beliefs, promises come up in pairs? I mean not pairs, but do they happen to be two sided always? Feelings even have opposites, like for happiness, there is some sadness too. Pride comes with envy. Justice too exist with injustice.

How does my belief exist? My belief can’t coexist with yours? My belief doesn’t have a complimentary. It’s the blind side that exists with my it I think. The blind side, which we think one can’t see and has no existence. But somewhere inside it remains like there has to be this no-beliefs-land, the blind side, which takes care of my beliefs. To show how important my promises are, how vital my beliefs are, this blind side does exist.

Then what exactly is this blind side? Is it that my co-belief that just exist because I do not wish my beliefs to be alone, without the support that they deserve, the care that they are worthy of?

Amen.
SatanicEnthu !

I’ve seen many time lapse videos and they always make me feel, what is the point of playing with time through these video? No one can really do anything when time plays human lapse videos all the time. Look at this world, full of still moments around.

No, getting back to the point, I was frozen for an instance. I was left thinking of something, no not my whole life or anything, but then too, something very weird. It was like a dream previous night that I can’t remember exactly the next day, but still has a lot of effect on my coming days. Trying to think about that dream still startles me.

And then I felt an urgent need to write something. I realized a link with my diary at this moment. How she used to be always there. While at the corner of my mind, it still remains as an artifact, it is degrading gradually, ruining my ability to think back.

The boy I use to see everytime, the force, thoughts that connected me to him is weakening. The connection is now more of a spiritual then mental. Do I preach him? No, I don’t know the answer, nor I seek it. Just that it’s haunting me. No again, back to where I was. So I really was solidified for quanta of time.

I had feelings during that time, and I am still decoding it, ki, what exactly does this meant. No adrenaline rush or anything experienced. A recurring activity though. It happens every now and then. I am helpless during that time span. Realizing this helplessness makes me feel quite tranquil too.

And again, the only consequence visible to me after this not-so moment of truth is that I wish to write. Write for my diary; write for a pure relationship between my thoughts.

Amen.

Satanicenthu !

Except, there are some things that we just can’t get enough of. I am mostly talking of those things which accompany us to the most memorable moments. The to-be-remembered times which we spend with the different people we meet on our timelines, mostly come along with a masked setup. It includes the most beautiful landscapes, the life threatening adventures, the terrific views, bottles of wine, a game of football, a snake bite or just a perfect combo of wind and rain.

And then sometimes we try to replay the same memorable moments. Though with diverse people, but still, trying to imitate the same environment or circumstances existing at that particular instance. Rain has been one of the best ingredient for my most memorable times.

We are humans and we keep on trying. Mixing the most valued ingredients for preparing a memorable moment, and then trying to recreate the time with a new set of people. It’s a lot tough than what it appears to be, but is worth trying.

Frankly speaking those moments can never be felt again. We are humans at last, and we keep on asking questions.

But the experiences to reinvent time like this. It’s something worth remembering itself.

Amen.
Satanicenthu!